


In which nothing is better, really

by Clue1117



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11978949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clue1117/pseuds/Clue1117
Summary: January 1980 - Lily finds out she's pregnant.





	In which nothing is better, really

“James?” Lily heard Sirius call as he let himself in to the flat. “You home, Prongs?”

Lily didn’t bother to respond. The flat was bloody tiny – Sirius would either come in to help himself to their tea and find her soon enough, or he’d leave. She wasn’t sure which she’d prefer. She heard the door close and felt a swooping something in her stomach, halfway between relief and loss as she thought he’d left. But a moment later the kitchen door was pushed open by a black snout which sniffed twice before the big black dog it belonged to came in to the room and quirked its head at Lily.

She was lying on the couch that James and Peter had hauled up the stairs and put where there aught to be a dining table, because she and James used the sitting room as a bedroom and Remus had the glorified broom cupboard the letting agent had called a bedroom. A smouldering Malboro dangled between her fingers, dangerously close to the shaggy orange rug. It wasn’t so odd for Sirius to have come in as Padfoot, these days. With the war a constant shadow in their lives he said the enhanced hearing and sense of smell made it easier to tell if anything was off. Lily glanced at the dog with glassy eyes, then took a sip from the whiskey bottle in her other hand. By the time she looked back at her friend he was human again, kneeling beside her and looking panicked.

“Lils? What’s wrong? James…?” She gave a tiny shake of her head and tapped her cigarette in to the ashtray next to Sirius’ knee. “Not Remus, please…”

“They’re all fine, as far as I know.” Nobody could really guarantee that sort of thing these days. 

“Then why are you drinking at two on a Thursday? Lils, please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Alice is having a baby.”

“Oh, well that’s nice for her and Frank, but…” When Lily didn’t respond Sirius pressed on “Lily, that should make you happy.” Again Lily said nothing. “Bloody hell love, are you going to make me guess?”

At Lily’s tiny snort of laughter Sirius threw up his hands in exaggerated frustration and settled himself more comfortably on the floor. “Did she say they were naming the baby Hughbert? Because that would make me want to drink… No? Did she make you go shopping for tiny shoes the baby won’t need because it won’t even know it’s got feet? Ask you to give up smoking with her? Lils, I’m running out of ideas over here. Help an old dog out?”

“Do you know the contraceptive potion causes inconsistent spotting in most women Sirius?”

“Well yeah, sure. It’s part of why so many women still prefer to rely on the charm, since it’s just as effective, long as you remember it every time…”

“One little potion once a month just seems so much easier to a lot of us. No phaffing about with wands in bed. Alice said today it took her nearly three months to realize she was pregnant. Thought she’d just put on some holiday weight, and that potion can keep messing with your menstrual cycle for a few moths after you stop. She and Frank decided to start trying around Halloween, but she didn’t think it could have happened so quickly. She’s over the moon.” There was a long pause as Lily took a drink. “I’m not, Sirius.” She seemed to retreat in to the turtle neck of her jumper as she said it. 

She dropped her burnt out cigarette in to the ashtray and closed her eyes. “Lily,” Sirius began, then stopped, not sure what he aught to say. For someone two years in to his healer training sometimes Sirius had a rubbish bedside manner. He tried again. “Lily, are you sure?”

“Do the charm yourself, if you want, but I’m not wrong.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking, then.”

“Fuck off Sirius. I’ll have a bloody drink if I want to.”

“It’s not good for the baby, Lils,” Sirius said gently.

“Neither’s being born in to a fucking war, Sirius.” It was the first time she’s met his eyes. “I can’t have a baby right now. James and I, we agree we want a baby, but it just seems wrong to bring a baby in to a world where every single person who loves it might be dead before it’s first birthday.” Tears had started dribbling along her cheeks and her nose was running, but she didn’t seem to have noticed. “It’s different for Alice and Frank, their parents are alive and uninvolved in the war, but James and I don’t have that. We have you and Remus and Peter and Marlene – we’re all just a bunch of kids risking our lives in this goddamned war, Sirius. I want this baby, Pads, but I just… can’t. Not now.”

Neither of them spoke for what seemed like a very long time. “You’re going to ask me to get you the potion, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Right. I’ll have it by tomorrow. But Lily, I’m not giving it to you until you have looked me in the eye, totally sober, and told me this is what you want.”

Lily was on her feet so fast Sirius barely had time to get his legs out of the way. “How could this be what I want? What I want is for my fucking birth control to have worked! What I want is a world where my options are not be killed for doing nothing or fight back and hope I take a few of those assholes with me when I go! I want to not wonder every morning if it’ll be the last time I see my husband!” She seemed to deflate, sinking back on to the couch, sitting this time with her head bent to her knees. “Please get me the potion, Sirius.”

He didn’t know what to say. This was somehow the strongest he had ever seen Lily and also the most broken. Almost unconsciously he became Padfoot and joined Lily on the couch, nudging her until he was mostly on her lap and she could cry in to his soft fur and rub his silky ears. 

The sun had started to set by the time she spoke again. “Please don’t tell James. He won’t understand. He’ll never see this my way.” Padfoot gave a soft “arf” of consent, and Lily wriggled around under him to lie down again. 

When Lily woke up to warm dog fur and no word from James, who should have been home the previous morning, Lily hesitated. The idea of loosing James and then loosing that last part of him seemed like too much. But James came home; two days late, with a still mending arm and the news that the Death Eaters had known they were coming - that the Order had a spy. There was work to be done and Lily threw herself in to it. She would either create a world that she felt comfortable bringing a baby in to or she would die trying.

**Author's Note:**

> This may or may not continue on, to tell a story of a war with Voldemort without a boy-who-lived, but it may also stay as is - I probably shouldn't start a new WIP right now.


End file.
